Hmm... Another "must read"

It was New Year's Eve. A cold but pleasant night. I , a woman in her early thirties was working the late shift and I had just pulled down the shutters of the door when I heard a soft, tearful voice behind me. “ Ex.....excuse me, Miss. My....my dog is injured.” I turned around and saw a shabbily dressed young boy, who is about nine or ten years old. I looked around to see if his parents were around. They were not. The boy looked like any other child, but what caught me were his eyes. They were anxious. My eyes fell to his arms, in which was a little puppy.

I looked closer at the dog and noticed that both of its front limbs seemed to be broken. I suspected that there would be some internal injuries too. Sigh! I had been about to walk down the street to grab a bottle of red wine at the supermarket on my way home. I looked at the boy, smiled wearily and said, “Come on in. I will take a look at him.” The boy lowered his eyes and said, “Tha...thank you, Miss.” I pushed up the shutters and switched on the lights in the clinic. I approached the little puppy and lifted it up gently and placed it on the cold, metal table. I chatted with the boy as I examined Spark. I realized that the boy, Daniel came from a poor family and he was shunned by all his classmates. And so, Spark became his only friend. I felt Spark all over its body and I was dismayed to discover that my initial guess was correct. Both front limbs were broken and there was internal bleeding. I soon learnt that Spark was knocked down by a motorcycle. I just did not know how to break the news to the boy. I hated this part of my job! As Daniel stroked his dear pet's blood stained white fur, my palms turned sweaty as I pondered on what to say. He hugged this pet tightly and looked up at me with his trusting eyes. So, as gently as I could, I revealed to him what I knew. There's nothing I can do for Spark. He might not even survive the night.

Daniel looked away, the heavy blow numbing him first. Then as the seconds ticked by, the numbness gave way to sheer agony. His face contorted as he tried so hard to keep the tears inside - a young boy grappling with tragedy. He stroked his friend again, his tears dripping down onto his coat. I told him that I could put her to sleep quite painlessly and it would end her suffering. Daniel closed his eyes and bit his lip. I waited for him to make his decision. Then, he nodded his head. Daniel sobbed quietly and with a tremor in his voice, he said, “Could... could I spend a few minutes with him? ” I nodded and waited outside the surgery room. But when Daniel came out and called me, his eyes were redder than ever. Daniel looked away and said, “I...I only have ten dollars...” I placed a comforting hand on his shoulder and told him, “That is more than enough.” As I prepared the needle, Daniel whispered his last words to Spark. I crossed over to the table and said softly to him, “Sometimes the greatest gift you can ever give to someone is to assume his pain so that he can be free of it.”

A needle pierced Spark's skin and within a minute, he was sound asleep. Daniel cupped his face in his hands and cried out heart-wrenchingly, the pain overwhelming him. His shoulders slumped. I followed him as he shuffled outside, cradling Spark in his arms. It was then that I realized how chilly the night had become.

Name:Teng Siao Shuen
Class:6B

Comments:
This essay is another fine example by Siao Shuen (Yeap! Again...) I wanted to post this as I want to bring across to all how one can adapt a story to make it better. See... This story sounded familiar to me as it reminded me of Tiny and Mr Oak Tree (a Chicken Soup story and PSLE comprehension passage.) But what SS was able to do was to build on it and turn it into an original story. (Good job gal!)

The strong points in this story was her ability to switch the focus from the 'I' (the vet) in the story to Daniel and Sparks. The smooth transition enabled easy reading and more importantly, build a connection between the reader and the characters in the story. Secondly, SS was able to build up the characters in the story. I feel that I was able to relate to both the vet and Daniel. This building up of the character is highlighted by the PHRASES AND SENTENCES IN BOLD. Thirdly, SS has a way of writing to tug at ones heartstrings. Note the emotional words and phrases used IN ITALICS. Words like stroked, contorted, trusting eyes etc. phrases like 'cupped his head in his hands and cried out heart-wrenchingly.' and 'sobbed quietly' makes one FEEL for Daniel.

SS's area for improvement in this essay will be her conclusion. Not that it was poorly written but in that it could be enhanced. Perhaps like that:

A needle pierced Spark's skin and within a minute, he was sound asleep. Daniel cupped his face in his hands and cried out heart-wrenchingly, the pain overwhelming him. I sat there watching Daniel crying out for the friend he had lost and tears began to flow down my cheeks. I had never known that such love could exist between a boy and his dog.

Daniel continued crying into the wee hours of the morning, all the while hugging Sparks to his shrunken chest. As the first rays of the morning sun poured into my clinic, I realised that I had been cradling Daniel throughout the night, hoping to take away some of the pain he was suffering. Daniel stood up suddenly, raised a grubby hand and gave his tear-stained face a swipe. He smiled weakly at me and thanked me for easing Sparks' pain. I waved off his offers of continued payment and made for the door. Opening the door of the clinic, I bade Daniel farewell and watched with sadness as Daniel made his way home. On an impulse, I ran after him, tapped him on his shoulder and as he turned around, asked "Hi. I was just thinking. How would you like to come and work for me after school?"

Daniel's eyes lit up immediately with joy and through glistening tears, said "That means alot to me madam. See you tomorrow." Saying that, Daniel turned and walked away for the second time today but this time with a little spring in his steps.


Sigh... Cool...