Lesson: Describing joy
When Alicia heard the good news, happiness filled her heart and her eyes shone like the radiant sun. The world seemed to burst into joyous song and everything took on brighter colors. Alicia ran all the way home, burst into the tiny living room of her sparsely decorated three room flat and shouted loudly at the top of her voice, barely able to contain her glee.
"Mummy! There is hope for Hammie now! My teacher has kindly agreed to adopt it!"
Alicia's mother spun around with excitement, euphoria clearly seen in her eyes.
"Really? That's great!" she gasped, clasping her hands excitedly.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Hmm... Another "must read"
It was New Year's Eve. A cold but pleasant night. I , a woman in her early thirties was working the late shift and I had just pulled down the shutters of the door when I heard a soft, tearful voice behind me. “ Ex.....excuse me, Miss. My....my dog is injured.” I turned around and saw a shabbily dressed young boy, who is about nine or ten years old. I looked around to see if his parents were around. They were not. The boy looked like any other child, but what caught me were his eyes. They were anxious. My eyes fell to his arms, in which was a little puppy.
I looked closer at the dog and noticed that both of its front limbs seemed to be broken. I suspected that there would be some internal injuries too. Sigh! I had been about to walk down the street to grab a bottle of red wine at the supermarket on my way home. I looked at the boy, smiled wearily and said, “Come on in. I will take a look at him.” The boy lowered his eyes and said, “Tha...thank you, Miss.” I pushed up the shutters and switched on the lights in the clinic. I approached the little puppy and lifted it up gently and placed it on the cold, metal table. I chatted with the boy as I examined Spark. I realized that the boy, Daniel came from a poor family and he was shunned by all his classmates. And so, Spark became his only friend. I felt Spark all over its body and I was dismayed to discover that my initial guess was correct. Both front limbs were broken and there was internal bleeding. I soon learnt that Spark was knocked down by a motorcycle. I just did not know how to break the news to the boy. I hated this part of my job! As Daniel stroked his dear pet's blood stained white fur, my palms turned sweaty as I pondered on what to say. He hugged this pet tightly and looked up at me with his trusting eyes. So, as gently as I could, I revealed to him what I knew. There's nothing I can do for Spark. He might not even survive the night.
Daniel looked away, the heavy blow numbing him first. Then as the seconds ticked by, the numbness gave way to sheer agony. His face contorted as he tried so hard to keep the tears inside - a young boy grappling with tragedy. He stroked his friend again, his tears dripping down onto his coat. I told him that I could put her to sleep quite painlessly and it would end her suffering. Daniel closed his eyes and bit his lip. I waited for him to make his decision. Then, he nodded his head. Daniel sobbed quietly and with a tremor in his voice, he said, “Could... could I spend a few minutes with him? ” I nodded and waited outside the surgery room. But when Daniel came out and called me, his eyes were redder than ever. Daniel looked away and said, “I...I only have ten dollars...” I placed a comforting hand on his shoulder and told him, “That is more than enough.” As I prepared the needle, Daniel whispered his last words to Spark. I crossed over to the table and said softly to him, “Sometimes the greatest gift you can ever give to someone is to assume his pain so that he can be free of it.”
A needle pierced Spark's skin and within a minute, he was sound asleep. Daniel cupped his face in his hands and cried out heart-wrenchingly, the pain overwhelming him. His shoulders slumped. I followed him as he shuffled outside, cradling Spark in his arms. It was then that I realized how chilly the night had become.
Name:Teng Siao Shuen
Class:6B
Comments:
This essay is another fine example by Siao Shuen (Yeap! Again...) I wanted to post this as I want to bring across to all how one can adapt a story to make it better. See... This story sounded familiar to me as it reminded me of Tiny and Mr Oak Tree (a Chicken Soup story and PSLE comprehension passage.) But what SS was able to do was to build on it and turn it into an original story. (Good job gal!)
The strong points in this story was her ability to switch the focus from the 'I' (the vet) in the story to Daniel and Sparks. The smooth transition enabled easy reading and more importantly, build a connection between the reader and the characters in the story. Secondly, SS was able to build up the characters in the story. I feel that I was able to relate to both the vet and Daniel. This building up of the character is highlighted by the PHRASES AND SENTENCES IN BOLD. Thirdly, SS has a way of writing to tug at ones heartstrings. Note the emotional words and phrases used IN ITALICS. Words like stroked, contorted, trusting eyes etc. phrases like 'cupped his head in his hands and cried out heart-wrenchingly.' and 'sobbed quietly' makes one FEEL for Daniel.
SS's area for improvement in this essay will be her conclusion. Not that it was poorly written but in that it could be enhanced. Perhaps like that:
A needle pierced Spark's skin and within a minute, he was sound asleep. Daniel cupped his face in his hands and cried out heart-wrenchingly, the pain overwhelming him. I sat there watching Daniel crying out for the friend he had lost and tears began to flow down my cheeks. I had never known that such love could exist between a boy and his dog.
Daniel continued crying into the wee hours of the morning, all the while hugging Sparks to his shrunken chest. As the first rays of the morning sun poured into my clinic, I realised that I had been cradling Daniel throughout the night, hoping to take away some of the pain he was suffering. Daniel stood up suddenly, raised a grubby hand and gave his tear-stained face a swipe. He smiled weakly at me and thanked me for easing Sparks' pain. I waved off his offers of continued payment and made for the door. Opening the door of the clinic, I bade Daniel farewell and watched with sadness as Daniel made his way home. On an impulse, I ran after him, tapped him on his shoulder and as he turned around, asked "Hi. I was just thinking. How would you like to come and work for me after school?"
Daniel's eyes lit up immediately with joy and through glistening tears, said "That means alot to me madam. See you tomorrow." Saying that, Daniel turned and walked away for the second time today but this time with a little spring in his steps.
Sigh... Cool...
I looked closer at the dog and noticed that both of its front limbs seemed to be broken. I suspected that there would be some internal injuries too. Sigh! I had been about to walk down the street to grab a bottle of red wine at the supermarket on my way home. I looked at the boy, smiled wearily and said, “Come on in. I will take a look at him.” The boy lowered his eyes and said, “Tha...thank you, Miss.” I pushed up the shutters and switched on the lights in the clinic. I approached the little puppy and lifted it up gently and placed it on the cold, metal table. I chatted with the boy as I examined Spark. I realized that the boy, Daniel came from a poor family and he was shunned by all his classmates. And so, Spark became his only friend. I felt Spark all over its body and I was dismayed to discover that my initial guess was correct. Both front limbs were broken and there was internal bleeding. I soon learnt that Spark was knocked down by a motorcycle. I just did not know how to break the news to the boy. I hated this part of my job! As Daniel stroked his dear pet's blood stained white fur, my palms turned sweaty as I pondered on what to say. He hugged this pet tightly and looked up at me with his trusting eyes. So, as gently as I could, I revealed to him what I knew. There's nothing I can do for Spark. He might not even survive the night.
Daniel looked away, the heavy blow numbing him first. Then as the seconds ticked by, the numbness gave way to sheer agony. His face contorted as he tried so hard to keep the tears inside - a young boy grappling with tragedy. He stroked his friend again, his tears dripping down onto his coat. I told him that I could put her to sleep quite painlessly and it would end her suffering. Daniel closed his eyes and bit his lip. I waited for him to make his decision. Then, he nodded his head. Daniel sobbed quietly and with a tremor in his voice, he said, “Could... could I spend a few minutes with him? ” I nodded and waited outside the surgery room. But when Daniel came out and called me, his eyes were redder than ever. Daniel looked away and said, “I...I only have ten dollars...” I placed a comforting hand on his shoulder and told him, “That is more than enough.” As I prepared the needle, Daniel whispered his last words to Spark. I crossed over to the table and said softly to him, “Sometimes the greatest gift you can ever give to someone is to assume his pain so that he can be free of it.”
A needle pierced Spark's skin and within a minute, he was sound asleep. Daniel cupped his face in his hands and cried out heart-wrenchingly, the pain overwhelming him. His shoulders slumped. I followed him as he shuffled outside, cradling Spark in his arms. It was then that I realized how chilly the night had become.
Name:Teng Siao Shuen
Class:6B
Comments:
This essay is another fine example by Siao Shuen (Yeap! Again...) I wanted to post this as I want to bring across to all how one can adapt a story to make it better. See... This story sounded familiar to me as it reminded me of Tiny and Mr Oak Tree (a Chicken Soup story and PSLE comprehension passage.) But what SS was able to do was to build on it and turn it into an original story. (Good job gal!)
The strong points in this story was her ability to switch the focus from the 'I' (the vet) in the story to Daniel and Sparks. The smooth transition enabled easy reading and more importantly, build a connection between the reader and the characters in the story. Secondly, SS was able to build up the characters in the story. I feel that I was able to relate to both the vet and Daniel. This building up of the character is highlighted by the PHRASES AND SENTENCES IN BOLD. Thirdly, SS has a way of writing to tug at ones heartstrings. Note the emotional words and phrases used IN ITALICS. Words like stroked, contorted, trusting eyes etc. phrases like 'cupped his head in his hands and cried out heart-wrenchingly.' and 'sobbed quietly' makes one FEEL for Daniel.
SS's area for improvement in this essay will be her conclusion. Not that it was poorly written but in that it could be enhanced. Perhaps like that:
A needle pierced Spark's skin and within a minute, he was sound asleep. Daniel cupped his face in his hands and cried out heart-wrenchingly, the pain overwhelming him. I sat there watching Daniel crying out for the friend he had lost and tears began to flow down my cheeks. I had never known that such love could exist between a boy and his dog.
Daniel continued crying into the wee hours of the morning, all the while hugging Sparks to his shrunken chest. As the first rays of the morning sun poured into my clinic, I realised that I had been cradling Daniel throughout the night, hoping to take away some of the pain he was suffering. Daniel stood up suddenly, raised a grubby hand and gave his tear-stained face a swipe. He smiled weakly at me and thanked me for easing Sparks' pain. I waved off his offers of continued payment and made for the door. Opening the door of the clinic, I bade Daniel farewell and watched with sadness as Daniel made his way home. On an impulse, I ran after him, tapped him on his shoulder and as he turned around, asked "Hi. I was just thinking. How would you like to come and work for me after school?"
Daniel's eyes lit up immediately with joy and through glistening tears, said "That means alot to me madam. See you tomorrow." Saying that, Daniel turned and walked away for the second time today but this time with a little spring in his steps.
Sigh... Cool...
Saturday, July 26, 2008
The Pain...
Lesson:
I stood over Yasmine's bed watching her. Her broken lungs bringing pain to her with each life-giving breath that she took. Sadness wrenched at my heart as her once-joyful face was now a mask of agony. Crystal-like tears formed at the edge of my bloodshot eyes as I clenched my fists in helpless anger. Red-hot anger filled me as I recalled the time we spent together. Times which we vowed will never go away with time. An ever-lasting friendship.Yasmine was my everything. Everything. Now, she laid on this bed, alone in her pain, wishing for an end to all this suffering. Who had done this? Who had done this to my best friend?
Cheers
I stood over Yasmine's bed watching her. Her broken lungs bringing pain to her with each life-giving breath that she took. Sadness wrenched at my heart as her once-joyful face was now a mask of agony. Crystal-like tears formed at the edge of my bloodshot eyes as I clenched my fists in helpless anger. Red-hot anger filled me as I recalled the time we spent together. Times which we vowed will never go away with time. An ever-lasting friendship.Yasmine was my everything. Everything. Now, she laid on this bed, alone in her pain, wishing for an end to all this suffering. Who had done this? Who had done this to my best friend?
Cheers
A model composition from ... ...
I looked around me. The walls around me were decorated with a pretty floral pattern, but there was a distinct smell of disinfectant in the atmosphere. I hated this place. The smell of it made me want to puke. I had been here countless of times but I just could not get used to it. I looked down at the familiar face lying on the white bed sheet. She was my best friend. Claire. An oxygen mask was covering her pale and sickly face. As I watched Claire sleep softly on the bed, how I wished that time could stand still. Claire’s parents were seated at the other end of the bed. They looked so exhausted and grief-stricken. As I looked out of the window, staring at the clear blue sky, not a cloud in sight, memories flooded back into my mind.
My parents were overjoyed when I was born. They had waited for ten long years before they had me. However, their joy was short-lived. They noticed that something was wrong with me. Whenever I cried, I would turn blue. My worried parents immediately brought me to the hospital. It was then, the doctor informed us of the bad news. My heart was badly deformed. A normal heart has four chambers, but mine had only two. The doctor pointed out that the only solution was surgery, provided I survived my first year, which was quite unlikely. Miraculously, I managed to live long enough to celebrate my first birthday. Then I had my first operation. The doctor could only solve one problem at a time and the fee was very high, but my parents were willing to do anything for me. Fortunately, the operation was a success and my parents managed to fork up enough money to pay for the hefty bill.
I am now ten years old but I have already undergone two surgeries. Because of my illness, my parents have spoiled me rotten and have given in to my every demand. In school, I have few or, well…no friends at all. It is all because of my bad temper and my willfulness. At that time, I badly wanted a friend, as I was very lonely, being the only child at home. It was then, that I met Claire. She was a transfer student from America. Claire was an outgoing, cheerful and no-nonsense type of girl. Furthermore, she was the first person to stand up to me and tick me off. At first, I was infuriated. But slowly, I got to understand and treasure her. We spent a lot of time together and had so much fun! We often went out together, and we practically went to each other’s house everyday! But then, another disaster struck. Recently, I have been having fainting spells very often. Besides that, I have been experiencing shortness of breath. Once again, I was brought to the hospital. The doctor delivered another piece of bad news. My heart was so swollen that even surgery could not solve the problem. The only option was to undergo a heart transplant. However, the waiting list was long, and the odds were against us. We were all stupefied by the dreadful news. I was devastated. I could feel my heart contracting painfully. I was so weary and overwrought that I burst into tears. My family was shattered by the news. I could see tears coursing down my parent’s cheeks. Their stricken faces reflected the grief they felt inside.
When we went home, I immediately phoned Claire and informed her of the appalling news. She instantly came down to my house. We cried together until there were no more tears to cry. Many things did not seem important anymore. From that day onwards, we spent all our free time together. Sometimes, we just talked. Those talks always led to tears. Everyone thought that nothing worse could happen. But then, everyone was proved wrong. The tragedy occurred.
It was a freak accident that should not have happened. That day was the last day I would ever see the lively Claire. That morning, Claire and I were taking a stroll in the park. As we were walking down the pathway, a bicycle came hurtling towards us. Out of the corner of Claire’s eye, she recognised the danger. Acting on instinct, Claire pushed me out of harm’s way. As I rolled towards the side of the road, Claire was knocked down by the bicycle and her head hit the concrete kerb. Claire was knocked unconscious. I sat up groggily, bruised but safe. I turned towards the scene and the sight of Claire’s bloodied head greeted me. I burst into tears. Onlookers came by to help and within minutes, both of us were on the way to the hospital. I contacted Claire’s parents and they came rushing to the hospital. The news that greeted them was bad. The doctor pointed out that Claire had suffered some brain damage and might not live past these few days. Fast forward to the present time.
Suddenly, the machine monitoring Claire’s heart went off. Claire’s parents were frantic. We heard footsteps running down the corridor. The doctor tried to save Claire, but to no avail. Then, the machine displayed a straight line and emitted a sharp beeping sound. The doctor shook his head and murmured, “I’m sorry.” It took a while before the truth sank in. Claire… was dead! I rushed out of the room and wept bitterly. Life was so unfair. I am the one who should be dead. Before long, Claire’s parents came out and told me that they wanted to donate Claire’s heart to me. I could not believe my ears! The next few hours went by in a blur. Tests were run and the doctors found out that the heart was a perfect match. I was pushed into the operating theater. Hours passed, and I was finally wheeled out. It was a success!
Now, I have a part of Claire in me. Thanks to Claire, I was given a new lease of life. She gave me a gift that I would never forget. Something that is more valuable than anything else in the world. A gift of life.
Teng Siao Shuen (6B)
Comments:
For those of you who know SS, SS's essays have always been soulful. Following closely to what is taught, she has expertly crafted an emotional story. There are many who would associate a good essay with the use of words which are extremely difficult to pronounce (let alone use. ) :)
I have always spoke of compositions having souls (Ha...Ha...Ha...) and that is true. Some stories have the power to move you to tears while others, though well written, are merely thought provoking. Why is that? I believe that the answer lies in what I would term "The Director's Eye". The ability to craft such a vivid scene that the reader could actually picture themselves at the scene. (That is one reason why I don't discourage my kids to watch television programmes though I am always advising them on watching the right ones.)
Another reason for SS's good writing is her willingness to explore different ways of writing and of course her AVID READING of books like the Chicken Soup series and some local writers like Catherine Lim (My influence... Ha... Ha... Ha...) A good composition like this always makes my day... :)
Cheers
My parents were overjoyed when I was born. They had waited for ten long years before they had me. However, their joy was short-lived. They noticed that something was wrong with me. Whenever I cried, I would turn blue. My worried parents immediately brought me to the hospital. It was then, the doctor informed us of the bad news. My heart was badly deformed. A normal heart has four chambers, but mine had only two. The doctor pointed out that the only solution was surgery, provided I survived my first year, which was quite unlikely. Miraculously, I managed to live long enough to celebrate my first birthday. Then I had my first operation. The doctor could only solve one problem at a time and the fee was very high, but my parents were willing to do anything for me. Fortunately, the operation was a success and my parents managed to fork up enough money to pay for the hefty bill.
I am now ten years old but I have already undergone two surgeries. Because of my illness, my parents have spoiled me rotten and have given in to my every demand. In school, I have few or, well…no friends at all. It is all because of my bad temper and my willfulness. At that time, I badly wanted a friend, as I was very lonely, being the only child at home. It was then, that I met Claire. She was a transfer student from America. Claire was an outgoing, cheerful and no-nonsense type of girl. Furthermore, she was the first person to stand up to me and tick me off. At first, I was infuriated. But slowly, I got to understand and treasure her. We spent a lot of time together and had so much fun! We often went out together, and we practically went to each other’s house everyday! But then, another disaster struck. Recently, I have been having fainting spells very often. Besides that, I have been experiencing shortness of breath. Once again, I was brought to the hospital. The doctor delivered another piece of bad news. My heart was so swollen that even surgery could not solve the problem. The only option was to undergo a heart transplant. However, the waiting list was long, and the odds were against us. We were all stupefied by the dreadful news. I was devastated. I could feel my heart contracting painfully. I was so weary and overwrought that I burst into tears. My family was shattered by the news. I could see tears coursing down my parent’s cheeks. Their stricken faces reflected the grief they felt inside.
When we went home, I immediately phoned Claire and informed her of the appalling news. She instantly came down to my house. We cried together until there were no more tears to cry. Many things did not seem important anymore. From that day onwards, we spent all our free time together. Sometimes, we just talked. Those talks always led to tears. Everyone thought that nothing worse could happen. But then, everyone was proved wrong. The tragedy occurred.
It was a freak accident that should not have happened. That day was the last day I would ever see the lively Claire. That morning, Claire and I were taking a stroll in the park. As we were walking down the pathway, a bicycle came hurtling towards us. Out of the corner of Claire’s eye, she recognised the danger. Acting on instinct, Claire pushed me out of harm’s way. As I rolled towards the side of the road, Claire was knocked down by the bicycle and her head hit the concrete kerb. Claire was knocked unconscious. I sat up groggily, bruised but safe. I turned towards the scene and the sight of Claire’s bloodied head greeted me. I burst into tears. Onlookers came by to help and within minutes, both of us were on the way to the hospital. I contacted Claire’s parents and they came rushing to the hospital. The news that greeted them was bad. The doctor pointed out that Claire had suffered some brain damage and might not live past these few days. Fast forward to the present time.
Suddenly, the machine monitoring Claire’s heart went off. Claire’s parents were frantic. We heard footsteps running down the corridor. The doctor tried to save Claire, but to no avail. Then, the machine displayed a straight line and emitted a sharp beeping sound. The doctor shook his head and murmured, “I’m sorry.” It took a while before the truth sank in. Claire… was dead! I rushed out of the room and wept bitterly. Life was so unfair. I am the one who should be dead. Before long, Claire’s parents came out and told me that they wanted to donate Claire’s heart to me. I could not believe my ears! The next few hours went by in a blur. Tests were run and the doctors found out that the heart was a perfect match. I was pushed into the operating theater. Hours passed, and I was finally wheeled out. It was a success!
Now, I have a part of Claire in me. Thanks to Claire, I was given a new lease of life. She gave me a gift that I would never forget. Something that is more valuable than anything else in the world. A gift of life.
Teng Siao Shuen (6B)
Comments:
For those of you who know SS, SS's essays have always been soulful. Following closely to what is taught, she has expertly crafted an emotional story. There are many who would associate a good essay with the use of words which are extremely difficult to pronounce (let alone use. ) :)
I have always spoke of compositions having souls (Ha...Ha...Ha...) and that is true. Some stories have the power to move you to tears while others, though well written, are merely thought provoking. Why is that? I believe that the answer lies in what I would term "The Director's Eye". The ability to craft such a vivid scene that the reader could actually picture themselves at the scene. (That is one reason why I don't discourage my kids to watch television programmes though I am always advising them on watching the right ones.)
Another reason for SS's good writing is her willingness to explore different ways of writing and of course her AVID READING of books like the Chicken Soup series and some local writers like Catherine Lim (My influence... Ha... Ha... Ha...) A good composition like this always makes my day... :)
Cheers
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